Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year

Happy New Year Everyone. Its almost 2am and I am still awake. I am amazed. It might have something to do with the fact that I just got one of my granddaughters to sleep. I am watching both the girls tonight so that their mammas could go out. Delilah pooped out on us early but Mia was going strong until about an hour ago. My daughter has had problems getting her on a sleep schedule. I will take 1:30 over 4 am any day.
I am really hoping that 2012 brings better things than 2011. Though the start of the year does not show much hope in that. As of today my house is in foreclosure and all of my utilities are in danger of being turned off. I never thought that I would feel like as much of a failure as I do right now. I lost my job due to taking time off to be with my mother in the hospital. I was in my first 90 days so they were within their rights. To me it was morally wrong, but it is what it is. The last two months have gone by in a blur. My mother got diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the end of October. I have been going to her house at least two times a day as well as being with her for dr appointments and trips to the hospital. These trips happen frequently right now. I will save all of that for another post.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I want to be there for my mother but I can not go much longer with no income. I can not continue with the crying that I do most days. I am very depressed, I feel like I am at the end of the line. How am I even going to dig my way out of the mess my life has become. I have dealt with depression in the past but this time it is far worse than it has ever been. I am usually the strong one but there is only so much that I can carry on my shoulders.
There will be no resolutions for me this year. I am just going to try as hard as I can to rebuild my life, to save my home and help my mother get through this horrible disease.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

What is the happiest moment in my life thus far?

Mia's Fall pictures

Mia and Mimi on Halloween

Delilah and Mimi

My girls
I have decided to start using some writing prompts to help me with this blog. I know that I am not the best writer and I sometimes just don't know what to say here. To be honest a lot of the things I want to share lately is just negative and I am trying very hard to stay positive and happy. So thanks to NaBloPoMo Writing Prompts I have my post for the day. There have been many happy days in my life but some are equally the happiest.  The days that my three children were born, the day that I remarried my husband and most recently the days that  my grandchildren were born.  As I am sitting here typing Delilah is happily playing on the floor near me. I love to hear her giggles, all the things she is discovering for the first time and the gibberish that she has been speaking lately. My other granddaughter Mia who no longer lives with me but makes me so happy when I see her. Her bright blue eyes, her wide smile and her easy disposition. She is loved at first site by everyone who meets her. Right now my life is not easy but these little girls brighten up my days. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011


I am doing much better. I am going to be taking much better care of blog. My middle daughter Tori, my granddaughter Mia and baby daddy moved out last month. It is sad for me to say that I was more relieved than I was upset. Tori brought a lot of drama to the house. She is very high maintenance, selfish and mean. She also is loving,caring, and a beautiful mother. I think that her good qualities will shine through more as she gets older. Right now she is 18,has a 5 month old and is very overwhelmed. She is here for a few days since her boyfriend is on a military trip. 
One daughter moved out and the other moved back in....Samantha and Delilah are back. I have been watching Delilah on days that she is not at her dads and mom has to work. I forgot how hard a two year old is to take care of. 
I am still looking for a job, I am not having much luck at all. Something needs to give soon. I owe my father in law more money that I want to admit right now. I do not know what we would have done without him the last few months. 
I dropped out of my classes a few weeks ago. I needed major help in my  math class. I kept asking for help and my teacher just kept telling me to work harder that I would get it. Well I never got it. I just got discouraged and gave up. Now  I have to pay for those two classes out of pocket before I can retake them. 
I sometimes wonder why I do the things I do. In the past year I have made some horrible decisions. My self esteem is down. I have no motivation and on some days I wish I could end it all. Than I think about my grandkids and my kids and I would never want them to think that they had anything to do with it. I know I am lucky they are all healthy and I am for the most part healthy. I just keep waiting for my turn. When Will I be truly happy again. When will it be worth it to get up in the morning.
So much has happened in the past few months. My Uncle Sal in New York passed away. I could not go be with my family because of our money issues. My mother caused a huge fight between  my father and I and I have not spoke to him, my stepmother or my sister in several months. 
Sorry for the long post. Just wanted to catch up. I will start writing more, it makes me feel better. 
Tata for now,


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wow its been a while

I am so sorry that I have been MIA. It is so hard for me to write when all I really have to write about is negative stuff. I have decided that no matter what good or bad, I need to share how I am feeling. Maybe someone else has a good solution. In March I quit my job on my doctors orders. She felt that I needed to get some treatment and some meds to be able to work anywhere again. I has spent so much time depressed and having anxiety attacks that my body was physically acting out. So I followed her advice and so far I have been denied unemployment two times. The first appeal I was denied because the letter was postmarked one day late. I just sent in my second appeal so please keep your fingers crossed.
      My husband was approved to get a medical card while I am at work and they said that as soon as I get back to work they will take it away. He needs so much done in the next two months its not even funny. He will be getting all of his teeth pulled and dentures, he needs surgery on his wrist and he will be having an upper GI to probably stretch his esophagus and to take out any polyps that he might have. He has not been able to eat a full meal in months without cramping and hiccups. I have put in over 30 resumes in the past two and so far I have only heard from an insurance company. Part of the reason I was so stressed at my last job was because I had to learn and study for a real estate test. The big I am not kidding you was about 5 bibles thick. On top of my college homework and studying, it just really stressed me out.
     My new granddaughter Mia is doing good. She just turned two months old on the 12th. She is very spoiled my daughter holds her way to much so now she will not nap unless she is in her mothers arms. Things have been tense on the home-front. Having my daughter, her boyfriend and the baby here is nice but it also is very stressful. My daughter has always been on the lazy side and well since she has had the baby it is worse. I hope one of these days things turn around, I am just tired and some days I just want to give up.

Monday, May 16, 2011

magic effect | peter blaskovic | escape motions

magic effect | peter blaskovic | escape motions

I am loving this web site right now. Playing with all of the artists experiments has been fun and just what I needed to take a break from all the homework and studying I have been doing.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Welcome to the World Mia , Birth story of sorts

The day I wrote my last post we ended up at the hospital. T was 4 centimeters dilated. She started to panic since her boyfriend was still on a plane on the way home. I dropped her off at the hospital to get comfortable. I had to go home and back her bag and take my other granddaughter to her other grandmother . Her mommy was going with me. I ran around like a blur for about an hour and finally made it back to the hospital about two hours later. Mind you a 45 minute drive took me 30 minutes. When I got there they checked her again and she was up to 7 cm dilated. At this point we all started to panic as it would be 9 something that night before baby daddy was going to get off the plane. The doctors and nurses were all aware of this and were not trying to do anything to speed up the process. About 7:30, T got an epidural. This slowed things down a lot. Up until this point, T was in so much pain. She already has a couple of bad disks in her back and her hips go out of alignment. Wouldn't you know it, her labor was all in her back.. Baby daddy got there about 9:30 and you could just see the relief wash over T's face. We had nothing to worry about as it was going to be allllll night before this child made her entrance into this world. At one point Ms. Mia's heart rate went up very high, T just had to relax, take in some oxygen and change positions. The pushing started at about 1:30. T was just so tired at this point that she had a very very hard time pushing. Mia's head did not want to go past the pelvic bone. I don't blame her, I think I probably would have wanted to stay in there too lol. I only had to leave the room once, had a small breakdown and came back and was able to keep my composure. I hated seeing my baby girl in so much pain. After about 3 1/2 hours of her pushing, I asked the doctor, " When is this enough?" She told me normally she does not let anyone push after this point but that Mia was so close, so close that we could see her hair sticking out. Finally at 6:00 am Mia Lynne was born. She weighed 8 lbs. 8.3 oz and was 20 inches long.

Isn't she just the cutest thing ever? Since her birthday time has just flown by. I go back to school on Monday and did not get done half as much as I wanted to while I was off. 
I have been so busy that I  hardley have time to sit here and do any of the things I need to work on such as editing pics and making myself a button. If there is anyone out there that would be willing to make me a button, I will forever be thankful.....Sorry, I am broke or I would send ya a nice gift. I have been up all night with insomnia, so I am going to try again. Night Bloggers:) 

Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm Back Sorta

Sorry that I have been MIA, not that anyone noticed. I have been having a hard time lately and well I hate to write when there is nothing to write about but negativity. I lost my job and well instead of dwelling on how many ways it sucks, I am going to be positive and have  a new outlook. I did not like my job anyway so now I will try to find one I did like. I had been out of work a month prior on medical leave. I guess they just did not want me to come back. I took a break from school and I go back on May 2nd. I hope that by than T has had her baby and things can start going back to normal around here. We spent all night at the hospital on Saturday night. Her contractions were 3 minutes apart but after an hour and a half of walking she was not dilated at all. Once we got back home she was in agony for hours and than finally drifted off to sleep. She slept until about 3pm yesterday and when she got up the contractions had slowed down to just one here and there. Her boyfriend is in Guam with the military so he grabbed a flight home yesterday. He will not get to us until about 9 pm tonight. As long as she holds on until then all will be good.

Yesterday I finally finished painting her room and we got most of the baby stuff organized. Let me just say this baby is already a spoiled princess, she has more things than I do. Today I need to take her to the doctor and clean the rest of the house. To say I have been less than motivated is an understatement. Depression and anxiety are kicking my butt but I will overcome. I will not let this get me down.

I have still been reading all of my favorite blogs and wanted to say Congrats to Becky at She recently had twin boys, Micah and Grey and they are the cutest little boys I have ever seen. I have been reading this blog for a while now and I am so happy for this family.

Here is a pic of my baby girl 9 months pregnant with her baby girl. It seems like only yesterday that she was born. Sigh

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I really want a button for my blog. Can anyone please tell me how to do it or make one for me:) You would make this unhappy chick a very happy one at least for a little bit.......Thanks:) 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I know I haven't written in like forever. This month has been extremely rough for  me. The doctor put me off work for a few weeks and put me on some new meds. I wish I could say that I feel good as new. I don't. Most days, I do not even want to get out of bed much less deal with life. Everything that could be going on is. My blazer blew up two weeks ago. It gave no warning, was running great and than all of the sudden BAM!! Just my luck, I should be getting used to it, right? Sam moved back out and back in with her x's parents, so that part of the stress has been lifted. I miss my sunshine though. I at least knew that I had something to smile about every day when she was here. Tori is due in two months. Her baby shower is in a little less than two weeks. Thankfully, I put the money aside for that. I took her for her Dr appt today and than to the mall and Party City. I felt good today. I even did my hair and put makeup on. The dr thinks that she might have gestational diabetes. We will know for sure next week. I got a few things for the shower at Party City and thankfully all I have to get now are the gifts for the games. Any ideas? I am not good with this sort of thing. Though I have had some help with some stuff for it. Its going to be great. I have a light bill due in a week 600.00 WTH? I have no idea how I am coming up with that money. I owe so many places money right now. I haven't even gotten one short term disability check yet. Maybe I am just being a wuss, maybe I just need to suck it up and learn how to go on about my life just like everyone else. I feel like I am suffocating, I do not even know who I am anymore.

I am so thankful that I started reading a blog called Band Back Together  It lets anyone post about things that have happened to them, things they are upset about, happy about etc. I recently shared something on there, that I have not shared with many people and I tell you what, It made me feel good. To just get it out there was  more therapy than I could have paid for. I am not the best writer, but I do plan on contributing more. If you haven't seen it, check it out. I am   really going to try harder to update. With the way I have been feeling and school, I just don't feel like doing much else. Hopefully it will keep getting better. Maybe when I win the lottery lol. 

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Thankful Thursday

I am so thankful for my granddaughter. She is the light of my life and makes me happy even on my worst day. When I walk out of the room she cries and real tears flow down her little face. She is a little angel ( well not really seeing as shes into everything already lol) I can not believe that in a little over two months I am going to have another granddaughter and a step grandson. WOW I feel old.

Some Random Pics

She loves cleaning already

Leave me be Grandma

I am going to buy her one of her own :)

My beautiful daughter Sam

Love this pic of Monkey.
Still cleaning lol  
Delilah in the tent she got from Santa

Getting sleepy

RIP Richard

Troys cousin died on Saturday. He was 58 years old. He had a little problem his whole life with the bottle and in the end it killed him. We went to the viewing last night and saw family that we haven't seen in a while. Troys aunt reminds of both so much of his mother, she is now 85 she was very upset that she hasn't died before one of her kids. She has pneumonia and looks so weak. Today is the funeral, this is the first one I am going to since Linda passed away.  Things around here haven't  been the best. Sam and Delilah have moved back in full time and well lets just say, Sam's idea of clean is way  different from my own. Our money issues have really hit hard. All I want to do is get caught up. I do not sit here and wish to win the lottery so I never have to work again, I do not want to go shopping and spend crap loads of money. I just want to be able to pay the bills, buy groceries and get my kids and grand-kids what they need. I never thought at 35, I would have to worry about grandchildren.

I am sorry that I do not post much, not that I have many followers yet. My goal is to post at least once a day even if its just a picture. With work and school and the amount of blogs I follow, its hard to find the time:)

I hope everyone has a great day!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Bubbles all around

Everything always seems better after I get out of a nice hot bath. I have just been so stressed out and tense that I really needed it. The only thing I got done on my to do list today was to go to the grocery store. Tomorrow I need to make sure I get everything done. It is very hard to want to do the same thing every day. Sam lets the baby make such a huge mess. We had words today, I can not hold my tongue anymore when it comes to the baby and Sam's laziness. I am so sick of the constant drama of her and her x boyfriend. For the last two years I have had to worry about how I was going to feed my pregnant daughters.  Money is so tight right now that I do not even know If I am going to have the gas money I need to get back and forth to work this week. I am sick of hearing my kids bitch about the littlest things. I am sick of having a 17 and 18 year old that walk all over me. I am sick of having a husband that can not even lift a finger to put away laundry. I am just plain sick right now. I do not know how much more I can take. I am ready to lose it. Life is to short to feel this way and I am going to make a change. 2011 was supposed to be my year and dammit I am going to do it. Sorry for the vent but I really needed to get it all out.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The 365 Challenge Day 1

I have decided to try out the 365 challenge. I will post a pic a day every day for the next year. I will still blog as usual but will add this to my day as well. I hope this can make me see some of the things that makes me happy that I might have forgotten. I seem to have misplaced my happiensss. This past year has been rough. Hell, this past 5 years has been rough.
 Troy and I decided we wanted a late night snack. We live in a little town so I was so happy when we found a place that was open at 11:00 pm. I love me some pizza.