Finally

I am doing much better. I am going to be taking much better care of blog. My middle daughter Tori, my granddaughter Mia and baby daddy moved out last month. It is sad for me to say that I was more relieved than I was upset. Tori brought a lot of drama to the house. She is very high maintenance, selfish and mean. She also is loving,caring, and a beautiful mother. I think that her good qualities will shine through more as she gets older. Right now she is 18,has a 5 month old and is very overwhelmed. She is here for a few days since her boyfriend is on a military trip. 

One daughter moved out and the other moved back in....Samantha and Delilah are back. I have been watching Delilah on days that she is not at her dads and mom has to work. I forgot how hard a two year old is to take care of. 

I am still looking for a job, I am not having much luck at all. Something needs to give soon. I owe my father in law more money that I want to admit right now. I do not know what we would have done without him the last few months. 

I dropped out of my classes a few weeks ago. I needed major help in my  math class. I kept asking for help and my teacher just kept telling me to work harder that I would get it. Well I never got it. I just got discouraged and gave up. Now  I have to pay for those two classes out of pocket before I can retake them. 

I sometimes wonder why I do the things I do. In the past year I have made some horrible decisions. My self esteem is down. I have no motivation and on some days I wish I could end it all. Than I think about my grandkids and my kids and I would never want them to think that they had anything to do with it. I know I am lucky they are all healthy and I am for the most part healthy. I just keep waiting for my turn. When Will I be truly happy again. When will it be worth it to get up in the morning.

So much has happened in the past few months. My Uncle Sal in New York passed away. I could not go be with my family because of our money issues. My mother caused a huge fight between  my father and I and I have not spoke to him, my stepmother or my sister in several months. 

Sorry for the long post. Just wanted to catch up. I will start writing more, it makes me feel better. 

Tata for now,

S