Sunday, August 22, 2010

Back to School ( I wish)

All the kids start school tomorrow , all except my son. I know that he is having problems right now but part of me can't help to feel a little selfish. I want normal back. I do not want to deal with the therapists and the meds. Part of me feels like a failure, like this is all my fault. I guess I should explain. My son has always had some separation anxiety. In kindergarten we thought it was cute that he needed extra love from the teacher. Than he started having episodes. He would throw a fit when we took him to school, kicking, screaming and crying. In the early years, once he got into the school and settled he was fine. Sometimes we could go months with a normal happy Billy. As he got older , the episodes got worse, he had full out panic attacks. It would take my husband ( who is not a weak man) all he had to get him into the school. There were days, he spent the whole day in the office. Last year, we all had our breaking point. The panic attacks got so bad it would take him hours to recover. So, His doctor and I made the decision for him to be temporarily home-bound. The school has been a great and the teacher that comes to our home has been a gift from god. She has patience and she took the time this summer to see him once a week to get him caught up on math. We have come to realize that Troys mom getting sick and passing is one of the things that made Billy worse. He does not do well with change of any kind, and his home is his safe zone. The doctors and therapists are saying it is anxiety and depression. Though now there is a part of me that is thinking its more. He is very smart , loves his video games and to be honest not much more. When Billy has a conversation all he wants to talk about is his new game, or one he wants or something about it. Everything in life he compares to his games. They say he has ADD but yet he can sit on a game for hours and yet when his teacher is here he can not sit still or focus.  I feel like there is more they can do to help him. I wish I knew what to do. I know what your thinking, just take away the games. I just can't . I have tried and Billy is lifeless without them, he goes deeper into his shell and is just depressed. We have decided to put him in a few activities so he can get some socialization before we try to put him back into school. He has been in karate before so I am thinking that will be a start.

My life is just starting to feel like I have been nothing but one big mess up of a mother. Sam had her baby at 17, though I am proud she finished high school and is now in college. But there are so many other things about her situation that makes me want to scream. When I say anything to her, I am accusing her of being a bad mother/person so I just keep my mouth shut. And now my other girl is pregnant at 17. I have taught my girls about choices, about birth control, I even put them on birth control. I have talked to them until I am blue in the face about all the challenges I went through being a teen mother.

I am sick of being everyones taxi/housekeeper/cook. No one wants to help, no one wants to clean up after themselves. I am trying to keep the house going, keep Troy happy, my school work and looking for a job. Plus the doctor visits etc. Some days I feel like I am going to lose it.

I am sorry this is a post rambling. I just really needed to vent.

Night Blogger World



Simplegirl said...

Vent, it's fine. We all go through something. I'll keep you and yours in prayer. Don't accept the first thing they say ADD, whatever. They said the same of my son, but it wasn't that at all. Do a little research on the net, the symptoms of your son and see what you find. Then you can put two and two together with the help of professionals and have the correct diagnosis.

Bonni said...

Found your blog on Blogfrog and will be following you! Would love for you to check out my blog and do the same! I'm so sorry for all of the pain in your life! I'm glad you vented because I will be praying for you and the situations in your family. That's one of the many reasons that I love blogging, women helping other women!

Sheryl said...

Ty Bonnie and Simplegirl. Today was a much better day. And I am going to start researching his issues and hopefully I can figure it out. Bonnie I am now following you:)

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